


Breathe in, Breathe out

by MyFandomCausesHanaji



Category: Fullmetal Alchemist - All Media Types, Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood & Manga
Genre: Comfort, Confessions, Developing Relationship, Drunken Confessions, Drunkenness, Ed is too selfless for his own good, Edward is wasted and Roy is taking care of him, Getting Together, Humor, Hurt/Comfort, Idiots in Love, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Love Confessions, M/M, Overthinking, Romance, and some confessions are accidentally made, expect some drama in the 2nd chapter cuz that's me, i love these two so much u have no idea, it was supposed to be a oneshot, nothing here you haven’t read before, that's pretty much the whole plot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-13
Updated: 2018-11-04
Packaged: 2019-07-20 16:25:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 19,237
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16141046
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MyFandomCausesHanaji/pseuds/MyFandomCausesHanaji
Summary: “Edward, how much did you drink?”“A lot!” Edward chuckled, shut his eyes and threw his arms above his head stretching. There was a muffled pop in his spine, and he let out a long satisfied moan.“How much exactly is a lot?”Edward dropped his arms on his stomach and sinked lower in the couch. He opened his eyes and looked at Roy as if he’d never heard anything more stupid in his entire life.“A lot is a lot,” he said like it was a measure of its own.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I'm not dead, just my job has eaten my brain, that's it.
> 
> Hope you'll like this little fic (that I intended to be just 3k words, but as usual it grew much longer in the process).
> 
> Set after canon. Ed's age is whatever you want it to be. Ed still has both automail cuz I said so.
> 
> Title from "Of Monsters and Men" cuz they are my inspiration for pretty much everything I write for this ship.
> 
> (those here who are also in Naruto fandom -- I didn't abandon "Here comes the sun", I'm writing it, just not enough time, sorry)
> 
>  ~~Unbetaed cuz I have no chill.~~ Himeneka took a quick look at it so I'm gonna count this as betaed now.

There was a very limited list of people Roy would expect to see on his doorstep at two in the night, and Edward Elric held an honorable position in the middle of it. That’s why when after a long and insistent pounding at his door Roy opened it to see a frowning Edward, he wasn’t that much surprised. And if he was completely honest with himself, he had expected it to be Edward at the first hit of the firm fist in the wood of the door, because among this aforementioned list of his Edward would be the only one Roy would expect to completely ignore the doorbell.

However, when with the first inhale of the outside air Roy’s sense was invaded with a sharp smell of alcohol, he had to admit that drunk Edward was not only not in this list of possible unexpected night guests, but in any other list of people Rot had in his mind for all kinds of situations.

But here Edward was, defying all Roy’s expectations and assumptions, standing on his doorstep, frowning and _reeking_ of alcohol. Granted, he was standing rather firmly for someone who had supposedly consumed unreasonable amounts of booze. Probably a bit too firmly though, having his two feet placed slightly wider than usual. He had a deep crease between his brows, that looked more of concentration rather than anger, and the rest of his face was relaxed, and a small and somewhat distracted smile was tilting his lips.

Edward raised unfocused eyes at Roy, blinked and frowned deeper, that, Roy started to suspect, was Edward’s way of attempting to control his most likely extremely blurred vision.

“Hey, Bastard, you gonna let me in or I’m gonna pee all over your doorstep.” The beginning of the phrase sounded as one of a question, but turned into a statement in the middle and Roy raised an amused brow, considering for a moment if it would be worth it in the end to wait and see if Edward would deliver his threat. This might be a good blackmail material in case if Roy needed any against Edward, not that he hadn’t had any already anyway. And he highly doubted the young man would even remember this situation after sobering up.

Roy let a sly smile tilt his lips and stepped back inside the house making room for Edward to come in.

“I am honored that you chose my residence out of all other possible places for such a use, Edward.”

“Aha.” Edward nodded, frowned deeper and overly careful stepped over the threshold. For the amount of alcohol he had supposedly consumed judging by the odor around him, it was already impressive that he could still stand on his feet, let alone walk without swaying. If not for the smell and unusual expression on his face that was at the same time concentrated and unfocused, Roy probably wouldn’t have even guessed that Edward was drunk.

Roy closed the door when the young man was finally in and turned to him to see him slowly making his way toward the kitchen.

“Wrong way, Edward. The bathroom is in the other end of the hall. Surely you should remember from your last visit.” Admittedly, the last and the only time when Edward visited Roy’s house, was nearly two years ago, though if not for his drunk state, Edward would hardly have forgotten even such a small detail.

Roy leaned at the wall and watched Edward turn around and, mumbling something incomprehensive and no doubt insulting under his nose, walk past him. Roy had to admit he was rather enjoying this, as much as it was possible to enjoy an unexpected night visit of a very drunk former subordinate. Granted, there was hardly a situation when Roy wouldn’t enjoy Edward’s company, drunk or sober, and drunk Edward so far was quite an amusing sight.

“Why is it fucking locked?” Edward’s annoyed voice interrupted Roy’s musings and he only just now noticed young man’s futile attempts to push open the bathroom’s door with his shoulder. After another unsuccessful push, Edward took a step back and raised his foot to, presumably, kick the door open in his most favorite door opening manner.

“Pull, not push,” Roy said hurriedly, before his property suffered from Edward’s metal leg ― Roy was quite familiar with the possible consequences of Edward’s kicks, his office’s door had seen a lot of those back in the days.

Edward put his foot down, turned his head to Roy and raised both of his brows.

“Wow, that’s clever.”

Roy wasn’t sure why exactly Edward was so impressed by encountering a door that he needed to pull open, but Edward looked way too pleased when he finally was able to enter the bathroom, so Roy decided not to ask. The door closed behind Edward and Roy wondered absentmindedly whether Edward would try to pull it again when trying to exit.

Surprisingly, so far it looked like mostly Edward’s vision and thinking processes were affected by intoxication, his speech and movements not showing any flaws.

Above being a politician Roy was in the first place an alchemist. And a scientific part of him now was extremely interested in finding out to what extent Edward’s mind was affected by alcohol.

“...a huuuuuge crush.”

“Pardon?”

Edward successfully conquered the bathroom door on his way out and, frowning on the way his eyes were trying to slide too close together on his nose, passed Roy and headed to the living room with that usual ease of his as if he owned the place.

“I said, Al told me I gotta finally tell you I’ve had a huge crush on you since forever, but I ain’t gonna.”

And here was the answer to Roy’s question about the number of Edward’s brain cells affected by alcohol intoxication.

“Have you now?..”

And here was Roy’s brain as well, waving him goodbye. Why did he ask that? He didn’t want to ask that. Did he inhale too much of alcohol vapor that settled around Edward like a cocoon? Did it even work like that? Second-hand alcohol intoxication?..

Hopefully and most likely in the morning Edward wouldn’t even remember that this conversation happened.

“Have I what?”

...or in just one minute.

“Nothing, Edward.”

“Hey, it’s not fucking nothing, bastard, it’s huuuuge, you have no idea.”

Well, nevermind that, apparently Edward’s memory was a fleeting thing now.

Edward waved his arms, apparently trying to illustrate his words about the size of his crush on Roy, and dropped himself down on the couch, puffing out a breath and then sighing in content.

“I don’t, unless you tell me.” Words were leaving Roy’s mouth now without too much of his consent, and for now he chose to blame this on the shock from Edward’s highly unexpected confession. As much as confessions made under the influence of alcohol could be considered valid in the first place. No, Roy definitely was not going to think about it.

“Huh, no way, you won’t trick me! I ain’t gonna tell you that, I ain’t stupid or something.”

Edward definitely was not stupid. He was just stupidly drunk, probably for the first time in his life, and Roy was glad he didn’t at least giggle like some drunk people do — Roy definitely wouldn’t be able to handle a silly giggling Edward.

“Of course not”, Roy agreed, since there was obviously no point letting Edward know that he’d already said too much. He closed his eyes for a moment and rubbed them with a heel of his hand. One way or another Roy didn’t see how this night could end in something less than at least partially disastrous.

He opened his eyes and went to the kitchen to fill in the glass of water for Edward. He set it on the low table in front of the young man back in the living room, and lowered himself in the armchair.

“How drunk exactly are you, Edward?”

Edward turned to him with surprise written on his face, as if he just noticed Roy sitting there, and pouted.

“I’m not shitfaced.”

“That’s your choice of words, Edward. I said ‘drunk’”.

Edward shrugged and suddenly smiled. “Semantics.”

In any other circumstances Roy would argue, but now Edward was looking at him with slightly unfocused eyes and almost dreamy smile, and it took Roy a few moments to remember what it was he was asking.

“Edward, how much did you drink?”

“A lot!” Edward chuckled, shut his eyes and threw his arms above his head stretching. There was a muffled pop in his spine, and he let out a long satisfied moan that fried a few of Roy’s brain cells.

Roy swallowed and carefully untangled his fingers from where they had been digging in the armrest. Edward would be the death of him.

“How much exactly is a lot?”

Edward dropped his arms on his stomach and sinked lower in the couch. He opened his eyes and looked at Roy as if he’d never heard anything more stupid in his entire life.

“A lot is a lot,” he said like it was a measure of its own.

“Of course. How silly of me.” Roy pinched the bridge of his nose contemplating what he was going to do with Edward now. He was very careful to move his thinking process around the excited parts of his mind that now were celebrating Edward’s ‘confession’, because going there would incapacitate all rational parts of Roy’s mind for at least a few hours.

“Nah, you’re okay,” Edward said, rubbed his face and then leaned down to look at the glass of water on the table. He tilted his head to the side, frowned and sighed. “I drank _a lot_ ,” he said to the glass suddenly and frowned deeper.

He looked almost adorable now, looking angrily at the innocent glass of water, and Roy let himself smile warmly.

“That’s just water, Edward. You should drink it.”

“Nah, I don’t wanna.” Edward shook his head, that proved to be a mistake the next moment, and his hands flew to his temples. “Fuck.”

“You will regret this in the morning.”

Edward winced, still holding his head in his hands, and groaned. Roy thought he might have already regretting this now, not that Roy would insist for him admitting this.

Edward finally let go of his head, sighed with relief and sagged in the couch bonelessly. He closed his eyes, shifted once, twice, opened his eyes again and looked at Roy with slightly off-sided but rather sincere looking displeasure.

“Come here, bastard.” Ed raised his flesh hand and let it fall down on the couch beside him. Roy raised an eyebrow. “What are you waiting for, I said come here.”

Edward was still frowning, quite impressively so, and Roy decided it was probably easier to just obey rather than trying to question someone in that state of drunk.

He stood up, crossed the short distance between the armchair and the couch, and lowered himself to the farthest end of it, leaving as much space between him and Edward as was physically possible.

Edward’s eyes followed him — with visible effort — and when Roy was seated, they squinted in discontent.

“Stupid bastard.” Mumbling this and similar insults through his teeth, Edward pushed himself toward Roy, and with pained and angry grunts slid to his side. He hooked his arm around Roy’s, put his head on Roy’s shoulder, let out a long breath and stilled.

Roy stilled too. Edward’s body was hot at his side, his arm was holding Roy’s own hostage, and golden hairs on the top of his head were tickling Roy’s neck. The alcohol odor was almost making Roy’s eyes water, but he didn’t dare move, not wanting to disturb Edward, who seemed to be dozing off, and, with all honesty, not willing to jeopardize a unique opportunity to have Edward so close, smell be damned.

Edward suddenly stirred, and pressed himself even closer, metal leg hard against Roy’s right thigh and almost cold compare to the rest of Edward’s body.

“I’m not a child,” he said suddenly and fell silent again.  

Roy turned his head a bit to look at the slowly dying fires in the fireplace. Edward’s hair brushed his chin.

“I know, Edward.”

Edward hummed as if accepting the answer and sighed. “It’s not a phase,” he said with the voice borderline on pouting, and it would seem even adorable to Roy, if he wasn’t too preoccupied keeping his own thoughts and body under control ― the temptation to pull his arm from Edward’s grip and swing it around his shoulders to bring him even closer was just a hair from unbearable.

“Of course not,” Roy answered obediently, although not entirely sure what phase Edward was talking about.

“It’s been years. It’s not a phase,” Edward went on, as if not hearing Roy’s answer, though at this point it seemed the boy was mostly trying to convince himself in something rather than talking to Roy. He was silent for another couple of moments and Roy thought perhaps he dozed off again, but then suddenly Edward leaned forward, untangling his arm from Roy’s, turned around, put his hand on Roy’s knee and stared at him with determination.

The light from the fireplace behind him lit up his hair with a warm light and it almost seemed like a halo. His face was flushed, eyes almost black in the dim light. A thin strand of hair fell down across his face and Roy bit the inside of his cheek to keep himself from reaching to it to brush it away with his fingers. It felt almost hellish, to have Edward so close, to feel his hand ― the metal one, but it hardly mattered ― on his knee, to have his full attention like that, eyes staring intently in Roy’s.

Edward was beautiful. He always was, but the alcohol in his system seemed to unhinge something deep within him, and he seemed even more open, more sincere, as much as it was even possible for someone who already wore his heart on his sleeve.

Roy would give up anything to have Edward look at him like that every day. He would give up everything to have him. But it was not for him to decide.

Roy blinked slowly and shut the feeling down.

“I know what I want,” Edward said almost angrily, and Roy forbid himself to even think. “I know who―” Edward swallowed, frowned and squinted his eyes for second. “Mustang, I―” Edward stopped mid sentence and his eyes widened. There was horror in them and almost childishly looking surprise. Roy brushed off the sting of disappointment and opened his mouth to say something, when metal fingers squeezed his knee, Edward’s eyes widened even more, his flesh hand flew to his throat and Roy could see the fingers of it shaking. There was a plea in Edward’s eyes and his voice when he pushed out a strained _“Fuck”_ , that sounded borderline miserable, and it took Roy a moment that was almost too long to understand what was happening.

With some effort he tore Edwards fingers away from his knee, grabbed his left arm and stood up pulling the shaking boy to his feet. Edward groaned and tried to curl into himself, but Roy’s hand was tight on him, and he was very determined to drag him as far away as possible from the thick and very expensive carpet on the living room’s floor  before Edward’s body decided that it had enough.

“Hold it, Fullmetal,” Roy said in his command voice, and Edward let out a pained grunt, but at least he didn’t resist anymore.

They were in the guest’s bathroom in a few seconds, that probably seemed like eternity to Edward, and Roy barely managed to brush Edward’s hair from his face, when the boy fell on his knees in front of the toilet and vomited.

The fingers of his flesh hand were almost the color of the porcelain they were squeezing, when Edward was retching half of his body weight of alcohol from his stomach. His hair were all over the place, and as much as Roy wanted to comfort him by stroking his back, he had to use both of his hands to keep the long hair away.

When Edward seemed to empty his stomach and was now breathing hard and letting out occasional husky whines, Roy tugged the hairband from the messy braid and fixed the hair in an off-sided but better suited for keeping the hair out of Edward’s face ponytail.

Edward let out a pained sigh and put his forehead on his arm at the edge of the toilet. Roy reached to flush it and then finally let himself plant his hand between Edward’s shoulder blades, rubbing his back in what he hoped was soothing manner.

Edward’s shirt was drenched in sweat and he was still trembling slightly. All the light headed merry state was gone, and now he was facing the first consequences of his poor choices. Roy carefully brushed single stray hairs from Edward’s sweaty forehead and Edward groaned.

“Water?” Roy asked, still keeping the movement of his hand on Edward’s back. The floor tiles were too cold and too hard under his knees, but he ignored the discomfort in the face of Edward’s much greater one. Roy wasn’t sure if this was the first time the boy had gotten drunk, but somehow it felt that it definitely was the first time when he’d gotten _that_ drunk.

Edward let out another unhappy groan, which Roy interpreted as something along the lines of _“Fuck you and your water”_.

Roy withdrew his hand, that earned him even unhappier groan, and stood up. He contemplated whether he should just let Edward splash some water on his face and let him sleep it off, but unfortunately he had an experience of waking up after a night full of booze in the same clothes he had started the night in, the smell of alcohol and sweat and the disgusting feeling of unfreshness only adding up to the hangover and horrible taste in his mouth, and these were not pleasant memories. Edward needed shower and fresh clothes. And only then sleep. The only problem was, that the bathroom downstair didn’t have any shower.

“Edward, I need you to stand up,” Roy said and leaned down to hook his hands under Edward’s armpits.

Edward didn’t move and only fingers on the toilet sit tightened. This would be a long night.

“I feel like shit.” His voice was hoarse and tinged with misery, but as much as Roy didn’t want to cause him any more discomfort, he knew Edward would only thank him in the morning, that, if he even remembered all that, aside from the fact that his pride wouldn’t probably let him admit that either of this happened.

“I know, Edward. But I need you to help me now.”

Edward opened his eyes and pushed himself up weakly with his hands. It wasn’t very helpful but at least he was not resisting, and after a few moments Roy managed to pull him on his feet. Edward was holding on Roy’s arms for dear life, swaying slightly, his head bowed.

“I feel so bad, Roy.” Roy’s name sounded unusual said with this voice, and Roy chose to count the misery in it as the reason for his heart swelling and his protective instincts picking up, and not the mere fact that it was the first time when Edward called him by his given name.

“I know, Ed. It will get better once we get you under a warm shower.”

Roy swung his arm around Edward’s waist, keeping him upright, and they started slowly making their way to the stairs.

“Fuck, Roy… Damn.” Edward was moaning in discontent all the way up to the second floor, his eyes half closed and unfocused, but at least he seemed to still have some semi-control over his motor functions, and they made it to the main bathroom much faster than Roy had expected.

Once inside, Edward sagged on the closed toilet lid, closed his eyes and sighed tiredly.

“I wanna die.”

“No, you don’t.” Roy quickly made it back to the closet in the hall, grabbed fresh towel and some comfortable clothes he usually wore at home, and returned to the bathroom. Now, the difficult part.

“Edward, can you open your eyes for me?”

“No.” Edward shook his head slightly, winced and leaned back at the toilet tank. “And when I ask for a drink next time punch me.”

Roy sighed, and put the clothes and the towel on the small stand near the sink.

“Edward, you need a shower. Can you manage on your own?” _Please, say yes._

“I hate you.”

Roy pinched the bridge of his nose, sighed, and walked past Edward to the shower cabin in the corner and turned on the water. He waited till it was of comfortable temperature and returned to the boy, who now seemed to be dozing off.  

He woke up when Roy undid the buttons of his shirt and now was trying to tug it off Edward’s arms. A pair of still slightly unfocused eyes followed Roy’s movements with an unreadable expression in them, and when the shirt was finally off, Edward smiled lightly.

“You know, I love these dreams.” He then scowled and lifted his hand to rub at his forehead. “It’s unfair I feel so shitty.” He dropped the hand on his lap and looked up at Roy. “Why do I feel so shitty, Roy?”

This name again. Edward will be the death of him until the night is over.

“You drank too much, Edward.” Roy took a hold of one of his arms and pulled him back to his feet. Edward stood and then stepped closer, dropping his forehead at Roy’s chest.

“Fuck, you’re right.”

He needed to have this in writing. Too bad Edward was in no condition.

“Can you take off your pants for me, Edward?”

Shit, this came out wrong.

Edward lifted his head and looked at Roy with this weird expression again, and only the smell of vomit mixed with alcohol coming out of his mouth when he asked _“Why?”_ helped to keep Roy’s thought somewhat far from anywhere sexual. Too bad, when this was over, the only thing Roy would remember is the intent stare of these golden eyes.

Roy cleared his throat and pushed Edward farther from him, though not letting go of his shoulders in case if Edward’s seemingless upright stability was a fleeting thing.

“Because it would be inappropriate if I did this.” _And you’d kick me in my balls if you weren’t so far gone now even for asking this._ “And you can’t go under shower with your pants still on.”

“Alright.” Edward nodded and winced again, shutting his eyes for a moment. “Don’t look.”

Roy was really not going to. It was not his fault Edward kept swinging on his feet while trying to ease down his pants, that resulted in him wiggling his way out of Roy’s hold and practically falling back down on the toilet sit with a pained grunt, and Roy had to kneel down to pull the pants completely off his legs.

While doing that Roy learnt a few things.

First, Edward was going commando, and this fact was going to remind Roy about itself each time Roy looked at Edward’s ass in his tight leather pants.

Second, Edward was golden everywhere. And this was not going anywhere away from Roy’s memory any time soon either. Probably ever.

Third, Roy would never be able to pull off a small-joke without thinking of how far from the truth he was.

Fourth, Roy was definitely much further into deep than he’d thought.

All this was causing blood beat loudly in his ears, and if he would not have a stroke by the end of this, he might consider himself a lucky man.

Edward had his eyes closed again and was breathing hard.

“Edward, do you need to vomit again?”

“No,” Edward answered with a hoarse voice without opening his eyes. “Wanna fucking die.”

Roy leaned down and pulled the hairband off gently trying not to tug at Edward’s hair too much. “You will be fine.”

Roy knew Edward would argue, but even with two metal limbs and all the scars covering his body, even with the way he was now, forehead creased in distress and hair lying messily around his shoulders, Edward was breathtakingly beautiful, and Roy just wished he could tell him that.

Roy pulled Edward up by his arm again, and led him to the shower cabin. Thankfully, Edward decided to open his eyes and was moving his feet obediently. Roy cautiously let go of him once he was under the stream of water, Edward swayed slightly but seemed to be able to keep standing at least for some time.

Roy stayed away, but was keeping an eye on him just in case while Edward was cleaning himself. He avoided Roy’s eyes when he accepted a bottle of shampoo Roy handed to him, and Roy wondered if the water cleared out his thoughts slightly and he was more aware of the situation he was in now. In any other scenario Roy would spare Edward the humiliation of standing butt naked in front of his former superior officer, and himself the effort of treating this as clinical as possible without dragging his personal feelings into the picture, but the possibility of Edward tripping over himself and cracking his skull on the hard tiles was still quite high. And he really didn’t want to explain Alphonse that he couldn’t take a proper care of his drunk brother only because he couldn’t handle his hots for him.

Edward turned the water off but kept standing where he was, his head bowed. He looked like a kicked puppy, with wet hair plastered miserably at his back, and Roy had to push down the urge to roll him into the fluffy towel and bring him to his chest. Instead he silently handed the said towel to Edward, who quickly wiped the water off his body, and then put it on his head like a hood. Whether he was too tired to wipe his hair, or just wanted to hide his still flushed face from Roy, Roy didn’t know, but this certainly wouldn’t do.

“Edward, you need to dry your hair at least a bit before you put on the clothes.”

“Tired,” was his only answer, and Edward took a short step to the shower wall and leaned his forehead to it.

“I know, Ed.” Roy sighed and walked to him, taking the towel and doing a quick job in drying the long hair.

“I like it when you call me Ed.” Roy almost missed it in the soft rustle of the fabrik in his hands, so quiet Edward said this. He stilled the movement of his hands for a moment, not sure how to react, and decided to simply ignore it.

The hair done, Roy handed Edward a t-shirt and soft sweatpants, and helped him to put them on, while lying to himself that the view of Edward wearing his old clothes, that were too big for him, did nothing to the feeling in his chest.

Edward was holding his arm in his both hands, when Roy led him to his bedroom across the hall, concluding this would be easier, than dragging already exhausted boy back downstairs to the guest bedroom. Edward had his eyes closed, when Roy helped him down on the bed and put the comforter over him.

Before leaving, Roy gave himself a few moments to watch Edward fall asleep. He brushed the stray hairs from Edward’s face with his knuckles, and couldn’t resist from leaning down and planting a chaste kiss on his forehead.

The skin under his lips was warm and Edward smelled like Roy’s shampoo and his clothes detergent.

Roy was so doomed.

  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have never dealt with drunk people and have no idea how they work, so if this was terribly inaccurate, I apologize for inconsistencies.
> 
> 2nd chapter will be from Ed's POV the next morning


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Unbetaed and written on a phone. Enjoy xD

When Ed woke up everything was wrong. 

The wrongness started with the terrible taste in his mouth and dull but irritating pain in his head even before he opened his eyes. He groaned and rolled to his side, and when his nose pressed into a pillow with his hair splattered on it, to the list of wrongness were also added wrong smells of shampoo and linen detergent and some other distant scent that Ed couldn’t quite determine. In short, and Ed was not saying this lightly, Ed was not in his bed and most definitely not in his apartment, because he was absolutely sure he didn’t own a shampoo that smelt like that. Admittedly, the smell was somewhat familiar. Not that Ed had any brain capacity at the moment to try and remember why.

After a quick fight with himself he opened his eyes slowly. Window blinds were the first thing he saw and he praised whoever this house belong to for being so considerate. Next was the glass of water on the nightstand along with a small bottle with some pills inside, that Ed hoped were painkillers, not that he would take any pill before he actually remembered where he was ― he was hangover, but not an idiot.

He rolled to his back, lifted a blanket and looked down. He wasn’t naked, that was good. Although the clothes on him were also wrong ― not his, and even lying down he could see they were too big for him. 

He dropped the blanket and stared at the ceiling in frustration. Everything was wrong. Granted, he shouldn’t really be that surprised considering the amount of booze he’d inhaled last evening. He was never drinking that much again.

He moved his eyes lower, to the big dresser in the corner of the room. The familiar uniform was hanging outside one of the doors and Ed squinted at it. A wall clock that he hadn’t yet seen was ticking off the seconds, and the sound seemed too loud in the sudden silence when Ed all but stopped breathing for a few moments. His eyes widened, he gulped, and with a scream that was probably a bit too loud he sat up grabbing his swimming head in his hands and shut his eyes, determined to never open them again.

Also, he was never drinking ever again.  _ Ever _ .

Something fell breaking downstairs and silence followed. Ed waited for the steps on the stairs, but there was nothing.

“Fuuuuck…” The curse grew into a long pained groan, and Ed wondered if Mustang’s second floor was high enough from the ground for Ed to crack his skull if he jumped from the window head first right this very moment.

With the memories of the last night back, Ed had never regretted anything in his life like the poor-judged decision to drown his heartache in the inconsiderable amount of alcohol. At least all other things Ed had regretted doing he’d managed to fix. Nothing was going to fix  _ this _ .

The situation was only made worse by Ed having no memories of the things he might have said. The visuals were there ― horrible,  _ horrible  _ visuals ― but he couldn’t remember a single thing he had been saying if his life depended on it. And it pretty much did. Because if he’d accidentally told Mustang that he’d been head over heels for him and daydreamt about getting into the man’s pants on the pretty much everyday basis, Ed could as well go and jump from the tallest building in the Central.

Ed had never felt so mortified in his life. And that with all the opportunities life so generously provided for him.

He needed to escape. The panicked voice in the back of his head was screaming for him to just flee ― this house, this city, this country, and pretend this had never happened, and never ever see Mustang again. Except that he couldn’t. First of all, Mustang was the main reason Ed had even stayed in Central in the first place. He promised the man to support him all the way to the top, and Ed was not going to go back on his word. This, and Ed didn’t want to give up the opportunity to see the man from his wet dreams on the somewhat regular basis. 

On top of that, Ed was no longer that edgy teenager he’d been when working in the military. He was more mature now, and mature people had guts to thank those, who’d taken care of them when they were alcoholized up to their eyelids. 

So Ed would definitely do that. A bit later. He just needed some time on his own to get in terms with the situation he dragged himself in. 

So, was it Mustang’s clothes he was wearing?

Ed opened his eyes and looked down at himself one more time. He stared at the t-shirt for a few moments and then, without thinking, pulled it closer to his face and pressed his nose into the fabrik. There was only the smell of the detergent and nothing else, and Ed would never admit that a sound that left his throat was the whine of disappointment. 

He let go of the shirt and turned around. This definitely was Mustang’s room, as well as his bed. Oh god, Ed was in Mustang’s bed!

Ed groaned and fell face first in the pillow, burying his nose in it and inhaling deeply. If he was cursed to be so stupid as to burst into Mustang’s house in the middle of the night and have him hold his hair while Ed was puking his guts off in his bathroom, he might as well take the most of this opportunity and at least imprint the smell of Mustang’s bed in that part of his memory that held all the jerk-off material Ed had collected through the years. Admittedly, it all had at least something to do with Mustang. Yes, Ed was  _ that  _ desperate. 

He humped the bed and moaned. Then he moaned again with disappointment, because even in his desperation he still had some limits, and jerking off to the smell of his former superior officer in this former superior officer’s bed while the said man was most definitely just a few meters away from him, was unfortunately well beyond those limits. 

Such a wasted opportunity. Ed was definitely keeping the t-shirt though.

Reluctantly he rose in the bed, cursed his life, and grabbed the pills from the nightstand. He washed the two of them down his throat with the water, sighed heavily and finally slid out of the bed. 

He walked to the door and opened it carefully, making sure Mustang hadn’t sneaked in to the second floor and wasn’t standing in the hall waiting for Ed to come out. 

The hall was empty and Ed crossed it to the bathroom on his tiptoes, not that it mattered, since Mustang had definitely heard his screams and groans from before. Closing the door behind him and trying not to be too embarrassed on the memory of him almost breaking the door to the bathroom downstair last night, Ed let out a long breath and looked around. He spotted his hair-band on the shelf above the sink and grabbed it, pulling his hair in the high ponytail. His leather pants were neatly folded on the stand nearby and he felt his cheeks heating up. Not just Mustang had seen him naked, but he actually helped Ed to take off his pants. 

Could Ed be even more mortified?

He put his palms on his burning cheeks, right metal one doing a great job cooling off his skin. At least he had been drunk enough that it had prevented him from popping up a boner when Mustang had been pulling his pants off him. He’d definitely had to kill himself if that had happened.

“Oh my god!”

And he definitely was way too sober now and apparently not embarrassed enough to not get a boner from just mere memories of standing butt-naked in front of his crush. Shouldn’t it be the other way around? Was Ed exhibitionist on top of apparently having a some sort of power mixed with age-difference kink? Or was it just Mustang-kink? It must be, right? Not that Ed had ever had any inappropriate thoughts about other superior officers who happened all to be older than him. 

So it was definitely Mustang. Or maybe Ed could just call him Roy already after what had happened. 

“Uuugh.” 

Why must he even remembered it all?

He spent a few minutes cleaning his face and chewing on the stupid amount of toothpaste trying to get rid of the unpleasant aftertaste of his poor life choices. He changed into his leather pants, but his shirt was nowhere to be seen, so he had to stay in Mustang’s t-shirt for now. Not that he actually minded. 

He was  _ so  _ not giving it back.

Then he spent another few minutes staring at the doorknob and convincing himself that going downstairs and apologising for being such a fuckhead along with thanking the man for not throwing his drunk sorry ass out of his house and actually making sure he would not have to wake up reeking of alcohol and his own sweat, was the least he could do to not came out of this situation like an ungrateful brat. That he really wasn’t. Well, not for the last couple of years for sure.

He was an adult. Adults face the consequences of their fuck-ups. He knew that. He’d known that for longer than people his age should. He’d never had a problem with that.

Then why was it so difficult now? Not that he had something to lose. Or did he?..

Ed covered his eyes with his flesh hand and breathed in shakily. 

For the first time in his life when he wanted something for himself, he had probably lost it even before getting it. Not that he could’ve gotten it in the first place. But perhaps, maybe… 

But even if there had been the slimmest possibility that several factors would come out to be in his favor, he’d fucked it all up last night anyway.  

Fuck his stupid brain for not realising that Mustang’s house would be the first place he would go to when alcohol had stripped him from the limits he’d set for himself. Fuck his stupid heart for falling for someone who was his gender  _ and  _ only since just couple of years had no longer been  _ twice _ older than Ed, and Ed wasn’t really sure that he hadn’t had this crush on him even before that happened. Fuck himself, and fuck his life.

He wiped a stray tear that escaped his eye, sniffed down the rest and reached to the doorknob.

“Edward, are you alright?”

Ed jerked his hand back and almost jumped out of his skin at the soft voice coming from outside the door. Shit, he was so wrapped up in his thoughts that he didn’t even hear Mustang coming upstairs. And how long had he been standing there?

“You scared the shit out of me! Don’t sneak up like that!”

“I will make sure to announce my presence by stomping my feet even louder next time. Are you alright? You have been in there for at least half an hour not making any sound.”

Had it really been so long? At least the painkiller seemed to begin working already and his mind was much clearer now.

“I was meditating. And there is not going to be a next time.”

“Of course, Edward. Have you taken the painkiller I left for you?”

“Are you my dad or something? I can take care of myself!” Fuck, where did it even come from? So much for not being an ungrateful brat. And was he now one of those weirdos with a daddy kink?! It would actually explain a lot… Fuck, fuck, fuck!

There was a choked sound outside the door, and Mustang sighed with that manner of his, that Ed could clearly imagine him pinching the bridge of his nose right now.

“Thankfully, I am not. And you didn’t seem to object me taking care of you last night when you clearly needed it.”

Ed blushed again and bit the inside of his cheek to prevent himself from spitting out more nonsense that he would later regret saying. He closed his eyes and pushed down a groan. 

“Edward?”

“Yeah.”

“You sure you are alright? You are unusually quiet.”

Ed was definitely not alright. He doubted he would ever be alright again, at least for as long as he remembered his last night humiliation he had brought upon himself. 

So, probably forever. 

“I’m fine,” Ed lied opening his eyes and looking at the door. “I...um…” Fuck, why was it so hard?

“What is it?”

“Thank you. For―you know… Thanks.” There. Mature and responsible.

There was a moment of silence, and Ed’s heart picked up the speed, when the paranoid part of him started feeding him the possible outcomes of Mustang not accepting his apology. 

“Of course, Ed. I’m glad you feel better.” Damn bastard, must he be so nice and kind?! There was a pause, and then Mustang asked carefully, “Edward, how much do you remember?”

There was no helping a whine that escaped Ed’s throat at this question. He bowed his head and answered gravely, “Enough.”

“I see. Are you coming out or you plan to stay in there?”

“Can I?”

Mustang chuckled and Ed could practically hear the smile in his voice. “I’m afraid I value my shower rather highly and I will terribly miss it if you decide to camp in there. Plus, it would be hard for me to explain your brother why you suddenly decided to move in in my bathroom.”

“I’m sure, Al will understand.”

“I really doubt he will.”

The silence followed, and Ed put a hand on the doorknob. “Alright, I’m coming out.”

“I’m glad.”

Ed started turning the knob, but hesitated and pulled his hand back.

“A question first.”

“Sure.”

Ed chewed on his lip and breathed out. “Did I… Did I say something? Last night I mean?”

He heard Mustang’s muffled steps and when he spoke his voice sounded a bit quieter, as if the man was leaning at the opposite wall now.

“I thought you said you remembered what happened.”

“I remember what happened,” Ed said in frustration. “I just don’t remember the conversation.”

“There wasn’t really any conversation, Edward. You were too far gone for it.”

“So I didn’t say anything weird?”

“What exactly you would consider weird?”

_ Like that I’m gay for you. _

“I dunno, anything. Fuck, must you do it? Can’t you just answer?!”

“I’m sorry,” Mustang said, and Ed lifted his head in surprise. Mustang just apologised. He didn’t make fun of him, but straight out apologized. The fuck was he apologizing for? “I believe you asked me to punch you next time you’d want to consume such amount of alcohol.”

Well, that definitely sounded like him.

“Not happening. Alcohol I mean. Never drinking again. This fucking sucks.”

“I can imagine,” Mustang answered with a small laugh.

“Anything else?”

There was a short pause at that, and Ed held his breath.

“No, nothing else.”

Thank god. He hadn’t fully screwed up. Only about ninety percent. That’s the whole ten percent from screwing up completely. He might still come out of this alive. 

“Ok, I’m opening the door.”

“Can’t wait.”

Ed turned the doorknob and slowly opened the door. Mustang was leaning at the wall across the hall, arms folded on his chest. He was wearing a simple t-shirt similar to the one on Ed and dark sweatpants. It was the first time Ed had seen the man in such homie circumstances, not counting the last night, because Ed had not been paying much attention to his surroundings then. And even in such casual clothes Mustang looked as gorgeous as always, and Ed just wanted him all for himself, and why must he smile like that with those tiny wrinkles appearing near the corners of his mouth. Damn, Ed loved those wrinkles, and that mouth and Mustang himself, and he was so doomed.

“Hey.”

“Hey yourself. Your shirt is drying now, shouldn’t be long. I apologise I don’t really have any clothing of your size,” Mustang said pointing at the t-shirt Ed was wearing.

The habit was just too deep in his bones. Though this time he probably should’ve thought twice. “Are you calling me small?! I’m pe―”

“...Perfectly normal size. Of course, Edward.” There was a laughter in Mustang’s eyes and in the corners of his mouth, but nothing could prepare Ed for the next words. “Although, I’d say that would even be an understatement,” Mustang finished with a wink, turned to the stairs and slowly walked past gaping Ed.

Ed hadn’t remembered his cheeks ever feeling so hot.

“Did you just― You―” Mustang was walking down the stairs laughing under his breath and all Ed could do was just stare at his back with wide eyes and plead for the ground to burst open and swallow his miserable ass.  _ “Oh my god!  _ This is a sexual harassment!” Ed screamed and pointed his finger at the man who by this time had reached the first floor.

“You don’t work for me anymore. So I’m afraid this doesn’t count.”

“You can’t just… Oh my god!” Ed buried his head in his palms and groaned in frustration. His instincts were telling him to argue, to scream and throw insults, the way that felt familiar when it came to his and Mustang’s interactions. His pride was damaged, and he hadn’t had much of it left in the first place, but there was no one to blame but himself and the only right course of action was to swallow the rest of it and face his shame. He would not forgive himself if now, being sober, he would jeopardise whatever remained of his semi-friendship with Mustang.

“Come to the kitchen once you stopped feeling sorry for yourself.” Was it really Ed’s fault though that the man was so infuriating? “I made pancakes. You must be hungry.” Scratch that, he was the absolute best.

Ed dropped his hands and rushed down the stairs. Mustang was already in the kitchen and the smell of food reached Ed’s nostrils. His stomach growled and Ed hurried toward the smell. He had been in Mustangs house once, but not in the kitchen and he quickly took in the shelves along the wall and long high table in the middle. There was a plate with a pile of steaming pancakes on it and Ed snatched two at once, pushing them both in his mouth.

“God, I love you,” Ed said after swallowing and grabbing another two.

Mustang raised his brows and looked at Ed from where he was sitting across the table with a cup of tea in his hand. “Well, that’s new.”

“Wasn’t talking to you.” Ed quickly chewed on another two pancakes and only then sat in the chair and closed his eye, letting out a long happy moan. He heard Mustang choking on his tea, the cup clang at the table surface and the man started coughing. “Don’t you die. Your pancakes are too good. It would be a waste of talent.”

“I’m― Ugh, I’m thrilled to know you appreciate me solely for my cooking talents that you have not been aware of until now.” Mustang’s voice was hoarse from coughing and Ed bit his lower lip. 

He opened his eyes a moment later and caught Mustang looking at him with a weird expression. The man quickly averted his eyes and stood up. “Tea?”

“Why are you doing this?” Ed asked quietly, eyed the remaining pancakes and snitched another one.

“Doing what?” Mustang sat a cup with tea in front of Ed and returned back to his seat.

“Being so kind to me. I barged into your house in the middle of the night shifaced, ruined your night, almost ruined your carpet, made you hold my hair while I was puking my guts off in your fancy ass toilet, made you…” Ed trailed off and swallowed the rest of the sentence. 

Mustang took a sip of his tea and looked at him calmly. “First of all, you didn’t make me do all that. I chose to help you on my own account.”

“Exactly! Why the fuck did you do that?”

“Why, Edward, would it be better if I kicked you out and let you deal with your intoxication yourself?”

“It certainly would be better for you.”

“I assure you it wouldn’t,” Mustang said dryly.

“Why the fuck not?!”

Mustang set his cup aside and leaned back in the chair, folding his arms.

“I do believe, Edward, that now when we no longer work together  _ and _ you getting older, we’ve established something similar to friendship. At least this is how I’ve seen our relationship this last couple of years. So I like to think you would do the same for me if our roles were reversed. Wouldn’t you?”

“Of course I fucking would!”

“Then why do you think so low of me as to suggest I would not help you when you need it?”

“I don’t… Ugh.” Ed bent down and put his forehead on the table surface. “I will never live it down, will I?” He groaned and groped for the plate with pancakes. He heard Mustang shift, and one pancake was pushed in his searching fingers. 

“I didn’t intend to use your last night condition to make fun of you, Edward, if that’s what you’re implying.”

“You already did!” Ed said, slowly chewing on the food. He heard the chuckle and raised his head to see an amused smile on Mustang’s face.

“I was merely agreeing with your own comment. Although, it was still inappropriate of me, and for that I apologize.” 

Ed searched his face for the signs of insincerity, not that he would be able to see anything if the man really wanted to hide it from Ed. But Mustang was right, they had indeed established some sort of a friendship throughout the years, and Ed’s crush and Mustangs general bastardness aside, Ed trusted the man with his life and respected him a great deal.

“I’m sorry too. Coming here like that was also inappropriate.” 

Mustang nodded and smiled with a corner of his mouth. “Apologies accepted. Although I admit I’ve been rather curious about the reason for you drinking yourself half dead.”

Ed looked down at his tea and watched a lonely tea leaf sliding slowly along the hot surface. “It’s nothing. Just a bad mood, that’s all.” He couldn’t really tell him, that now, when both he and Al had an opportunity to relax and enjoy their lives, Ed felt the most sharpest that he lacked just one thing that he wanted all for himself. It was selfish, really, to just  _ want  _ like that, and Ed was not a selfish person. And it was more this selfish disappointment that was causing him so much distress that he seeked for the ways to get rid of it. Why couldn’t he just selflessly love the bastard from the sides and be happy for him and watch him climb this ladder to the top? Why must he feel so bad and aching for not being able to  _ touch _ ? They were already friends, they saw each other on the regular basis. Why did he even need something more than that? 

And Ed didn’t even know if Roy was possibly interested in men or was as straight as a die. Hell, no one but Al actually knew that Ed himself was gay. 

“Just me being stupid, that’s it. Not gonna happen again.”

“No one gets that drunk out of cleverness, trust me, I know.”

Ed raised his head and looked at Mustang. The man was looking at him attentively, not a trace of laughter in his eyes. And Ed remembered suddenly the feeling of the man’s fingers on his face when he was brushing away the hair from Ed’s face last night. Ed wasn’t really that stupid, he knew Mustang cared about him to the certain extent. Unfortunately for Ed, this extent was most definitely something one would feel toward the child they’d seen growing up. So much more painful it was for Ed. God, he was pathetic.

“If you feel that talking about it might help, I am happy to lend an ear.”

Ed laughed bitterly and covered his eyes with his flesh hand. “No way.”

“Why not?”

Because that would be epic, wouldn’t it? 

_ Hey, bastard, I have a crush on you the size of fucking Drachma, and it is  _ **_killing_ ** _ me that I can’t even  _ **_touch_ ** _ you, not the way I want, and it is  _ **_killing_ ** _ me, that all I seem to want these days is to see your stupid face first thing when I wake up, and kiss you in that beautiful mouth of yours whenever I feel like it, and not fucking in my own hand thinking of how would you be fucking  _ **_me_ ** _ , but actually  _ **_have_ ** _ you fucking me, and do all the stupid cheesy shit those stupid cheesy couples are doing, because apparently I am not as selfless as I am used to think, and I  _ **_hate_ ** _ it. _

“Because it’s stupid. I should be happy with the way things are.”

“And you are not?”

Ed dropped his arm and looked at Mustang. “Well, I am. I mean, Al is doing great.”

Mustang rested his chin on one hand and tilted his head. “And you?”

“What me?”

Mustang’s uncombed hair were falling over one of his eyes and Ed’s fingers twitched when he had to push down the urge to reach.

“Your happiness doesn’t have to depend on your brother’s well being anymore, Ed.”

Didn’t it? It was the way he’d lived for years, it was the only way to live he knew, despite Al not really needing him anymore, not to such extent at least. He just didn’t know how else to organise his life. 

He just didn’t know what else to want, when he didn’t need to want to get his brother’s body back, and when the only thing he wanted now he couldn’t get.

“What should it depend on, then?”

“On doing something for yourself.”

“I don’t know what it would be.”

That was a lie.

“You don’t know what to do with your life now, when the things are calm and you don’t have to worry about anyone? That’s why you were drinking?”

“Yes. No.” 

Mustang raised a brow and the corners of his mouth tilted in a small smile. “Which one is this, Edward?”

Ed leaned back in his chair and raised his eyes to the ceiling. “I don’t fucking know, alright. Can we not have this conversation when I am still hangover? Actually, can we not have this conversation at all?”

Ed could almost feel Mustang watching him closely, observing. He didn’t answer instantly and for a short weird moment Ed wondered how he looked through Mustang’s eyes. What did the man see, looking at him?

“As you wish, Edward.”

Ed closed his eyes with a sigh, not sure if he felt relieved now not being questioned, or disappointed. 

A phone rang somewhere in the house, and Ed heard Mustang stand. 

“Excuse me.”

Mustang left the kitchen, and Ed turned his attention to the remaining pancakes. He wondered whether he would get sick if he ate more, but he seemed to be feeling much better now even compare to how he’d woken up today, so he decided to take his chances and pushed a few more pancakes down his throat with some help of the already cooled off tea. Ed had no idea Mustang could cook like that. Hell, he didn’t know the man could cook, period. He should definitely come visit him in the weekend mornings from now on if that was the representation of his usual breakfasts. 

That, if today after Ed came home he wouldn’t decide that he actually couldn’t look into Mustang’s eyes again. 

Speaking of home…

Ed jerked in his seat with curse, muffled by the last piece of pancakes in his mouth. Al had no idea where he was! Ed had totally forgotten to warn his brother!

Mustang walked back into the kitchen when Ed was already standing up. 

“It’s your brother. Apparently he was not aware of your last night escapades.”

“Shit!” Ed ran past Mustang to the hall, then turned on his heels, realising he had no idea where the phone was. “Where?!”

“Living room, on the right…”

Ed rushed to the living room, going through possible excuses he could give Al, but not finding anything that wouldn’t make him look like a total fuck-up or compensate anyhow for Al’s worry. 

First he had to humiliate himself in front of Mustang, now his brother was going to kill him — and rightly so.

And this on top of the hangover, that certainly had gotten much better after painkillers and food, but hadn’t let go of him completely. 

If it wasn’t the worst day of Ed’s life, than definitely of the last couple of years. 

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apprently this have a shitton of typos, but I have only 16% of my the charge left on my phone so this will have to wait till I get to my laptop. Sorry about that.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It will have 4 chapters now, deal with it xD
> 
> Unbetaed

“Hey, Al!” Ed said into the receiver, pulling a wide smile on his face, because he knew Al would  _ hear  _ it, and maybe they could avoid the worried part of their conversation this way and go straight to the one, where Al threatened him to raise the limit of the cats Ed had allowed him to adopt to double digits, if Ed ever disappeared on him like that again. 

“Brother! Are you alright?” 

“Yeah, Al, I’m fine. Sorry for not warning you, I—“

“I wasn’t sure what to do, when you still weren’t back here when I woke up. I thought perhaps the General would know, but what are you doing at his place? Wait, did you spend the night there?!”

Ed hopped on the Mustang’s desk, moving some undoubtedly important documents to the side, and chewed on his lip. 

“Yeah. I mean, I—“

A rapturous squeal that Ed received made him choke on his words and he had to pull the receiver away from his face for a moment to rub his ear. 

“God, Al, what the hell was that?”

“You’ve finally told him?!” 

Ed had long ago realised that telling Al about his crush on Mustang was a  _ huge _ mistake. But where he had expected being judged, he had received instead an overly enthusiastic creature his brother turned to each time he saw a chance for Ed to improve his personal life. Those romantic novels Al had been reading when he wasn’t nose deep in alchemical books or too preoccupied saving another stray kitten were definitely rotting his brain. 

“Told him what?” Ed asked, playing dumb. 

“That you’re in love with him.”

“God, Al, not this again.”

“So you told him or not?”

“No!” Ed screamed. He threw a glance at the door to the hall he’d stupidly left open and considered going to it and shutting it close to make sure Mustang wouldn’t overhear his side of conversation. On the other hand Ed didn’t feel too enthusiastic about talking with Al about his crush while being just steps away from the said crush, so he’d prefer to avoid it all together anyway. 

“But why are you at his place?”

...Not that Al would actually let him. 

“I’ve been just visiting…”

“At night?!”

Ed winced, realizing this conversation was unavoidable, pushed the chair from under the desk with his foot and slid into it. If he was bound to listen to his brother giving him a lecture about his unexisting love life — again! — he might as well get comfortable. 

“Well, I might have been a little bit drunk…” Ed admitted when he nestled in a comfy chair with his feet on the desk. Mustang would complain, but Mustang always complained about Ed’s habits, not that Ed cared. Plus, what Mustang didn’t know, didn’t hurt him. 

Ed wished he could convey this simple thought to Al.

“I  _ knew _ there was something wrong with you!”

“Nothing is wrong with me!” Ed stopped his hand on a halfway to his face when he realised that what he was about to do was nothing less than Mustang’s gesture of pinching the bridge of his nose in frustration. Ed stared at his traitorous hand in horror. The bastard was rubbing off on him. What’s next? He would start talking as if he’d swallowed a dictionary too?!

“You wouldn’t be drinking if it was.”

“Maybe I just enjoy drinking?”

Al made a weird sound and Ed knew his brother was rolling his eyes. “You don’t even drink! Well, usually. What has gotten into you, brother?”

Ed wished Mustang had gotten into him, literally, but that probably was a wrong thing to say. 

“Nothing!”

Al was silent for a few moments and Ed even thought that there was a chance that Al would let it slide, at least until Ed got home where Al could get more creative in pestering him. 

“You should tell him, brother,” Al finally spoke, and Ed cursed under his breath. 

“We’ve had this conversation, Al.” At least a dozen of times already. “I’m not telling anyone anything.” Ed hated arguing with Al. If it was about something — anything — else, Ed would do his best to fulfill his brother’s wishes — he even agreed on having  _ five _ cats in their apartment — as long as Al could enjoy his life the fullest. But  _ this  _ Ed just couldn’t give him, despite how happy Ed knew Al would be for him if this turned out to actually work. Which it wouldn’t. 

“But—“

“But nothing!” Ed threw another glance at the door, covered his mouth and whispered, “Listen, Al, I just had a few most humiliating hours in my life, so if you could just—“

“Humiliating? What happened?!”

Ed contemplated how much he should tell Al at this point, but since his brother was as stubborn as Ed himself, he would dig his way to the truth anyway, so Ed might as well save them both time and get straight to the point. 

“I got shitfaced and barged into Mustang’s house and he had to hold my hair while I was puking,” he admitted in a harsh whisper. 

Al gasped and then hummed and Ed could hear that he was holding back a laugh. 

“Sounds pretty bad, but not humiliating enough for you.”

That little shit... 

“Just how much dignity exactly do you think I have?!”

“Not so much. There must be something else. I know you, brother, you are not telling me everything.”

How was Al even doing that? Ed knew he was expressive and had pretty much everything written on his face, but Al couldn’t even see him now!

Ed dropped his feet from the table and curled into himself trying to prevent any sounds reaching the hall where it was theoretically possible for Mustang to hear him. He felt his cheeks heating up again and he closed his eyes. 

“He had to help me into a shower cause I was stinky and sweaty and could barely hold my balance. Happy now?” Saying this outloud felt even more humiliating than just thinking about it. 

“I am! Wait, does it mean he saw you  _ naked _ ?!”

Ed groaned into the receiver. He still couldn’t fully get in terms with what had happened. His mind, now sober, refused to accept the memories of him standing butt naked in front of Mustang as the real ones. It was just way beyond any stupid thing Ed thought himself capable of doing, and there were  _ a lot  _ of them. 

“No, Al, I was standing in a shower with all my fucking clothes on,” he hissed sarcastically. 

“ _ Oh. My. God!” _

Did he literally just make dramatic pauses after each word?.. 

“You sound way too happy. And thank you for making me think about it again, by the way.”

“You  _ must _ tell him now, brother!” Al sounded too much like he was actually enjoying torturing Ed, and not for the first time Ed thought, that despite Al being the most amazing little brother in the world, he quite well managed to be the absolute worst at the same time. Although, probably, Ed deserved that. 

“Stop it, Al!” 

“Think about it, you will be so perfect together!”

“You are reading way too many of those romance novels...” Ed mumbled under his breath, grabbing the phone in his free hand and walking to the door. He closed it with his foot, checked the remaining length of the phone cable, and walked to the couch. 

“But, brother—“

“Wake-up, Al!” Ed put the phone on the low table and dropped himself on the couch, stretching to the full lenght of it. “I am almost twice younger than him!” he finished, lowering his voice. 

“Almost. And it won’t be like that for too long.”

“Almost fifteen years, Al!” Ed noticed that he nearly screamed the last words and he hurriedly covered his mouth again. “He technically could’ve had children my age!” He whispered. 

“Perfect for your daddy-kink,” Al said and Ed could amost envision a sly smile on his face. Ed choked as he felt blood rushing to his face. 

“I don’t have a daddy-kink!” He spitted out — rather literally at this point — trying to keep himself from yelling. His hoarse whispering sounded a bit too loud for his liking though, but it was the best he could do considering the circumstances. Hopefully, Mustang was far enough, and Ed wouldn’t have to answer awkward questions later. 

“Sure.”

“I don’t! And he is probably not even interested in men.” After all, pretty much all men Ed was acquainted with were straight, except for, probably, Ling. What was a chance that Mustang could be another happy exception?

“You don’t know that.”

“Have you ever seen him eyeing up some guy? Or heard of him going on a date with a man?”

“No, but the General is very subtle.”

“See!”

“No I don’t. Absence of evidence is not the evidence of absence.”

“Don’t bring science into that! And even if he is secretly bisexual, why would he be interested in  _ me _ ?” All that energetic whispering was making Ed’s mouth go dry. He absentmindedly grabbed a glass with water from the table, and only after half-emptying it realised it was the one from last night. He didn’t remember why he hadn’t drunk it back then. He didn’t even remember what he’d said Mustang here on that couch, when he’d clinged to the man’s arm like a wet leaf.

Ed groaned internally and fell back on the couch putting his free arm over his eyes. 

“Because you are amazing.”

“You are my brother, you’re biased.”

“ _ Because _ I am your brother I know the best not only all you good sides but all your bad ones as well.”

“C’mon, Al,” Ed sighed in frustration, dropped his hand on his stomach and looked at the ceiling. “Be honest, what is the possibility of a General in his thirties, who is aiming to become a Führer to be interested in an amputee guy who is almost twice younger than him in the country that is not exactly very gay-friendly?”

“It is not exactly unfriendly either…”

“Which doesn’t contradict with my point.”

“Well, when you put it this way…”

“There is no other way to put it, Al.”

“But he is not just some General, and you are not just some random guy―”

“Amputee.”

“I don’t like it when you call yourself that.”

“That’s just the way it is.” 

“You are more than that. Anyway, Ed, if he didn’t care about you why would he be keeping up with your terrible character?” 

“Just ten seconds ago you told me I was amazing!” Ed grumbled.

“You are, but let’s admit it―”

“Yeah, yeah.” Ed reached to the glass and pulled it to his lips. “Well, probably he thought he kinda adopted me or some shit and now he feels responsible,” he finished and gulped the rest of the water.

“You definitely have a daddy-kink.” Al sounded half worried and half amused, but Ed had no mind to pay this any attention, too busy wiping his face and his chest off the water he spit out when he heard Al’s words.

“I definitely do not!” 

“I first meant this as a joke, but now I’m not so sure anymore…” Al said thoughtfully.

“Al!”

“Anyway, even if he is not interested―”

“He is not.”

“―at least you will know. What’s the worst that can happen?” Al asked optimistically.

Except for his broken heart?.. 

“It will make things hella weird.”

“I’m sure it won’t.”

Of course. Just each time Mustang would look at him he’d know Ed thought about him while jerking off. Not weird at all.

“Al, can’t you just accept that I am not going to tell him anything because no way he’d be interested, and we can just move on?” Ed asked. 

Al sighed heavily and this was already the answer of its own. “I really think you are wrong here, brother.”

Ed groaned and sat up on the couch. 

“Do you think I enjoy it this way, Al?! Do you think I don’t want this to work?! Every time you insist on talking about it only reminds me of all the reasons for it to not work! Stop it. Please.”

He realised he said it all loud enough that it was most definitely heard from any place in the house, but there was nothing specific there and he could deal with Mustang’s possible questions. He just wanted Al to stop. To stop reminding him of this thing he wanted and couldn’t get. It hurt enough already. He didn’t want to discuss it. 

The line was silent for a while and Ed hoped his outburst would actually make Al stop with the pep-talk. His brother was stubborn, but he wasn’t heartless. If he knew it would be best for Ed, he— 

“Listen to me, Edward Elric.” When Al finally spoke it was in that voice he was using extremely rarely when he decided that Ed was incapable for whatever reason of being the older brother and Al had to take this role upon himself. Al in this mode was a force to be reckoned with, Ed knew it from few times it had happened before. Whatever Al was about to say would be his final decision and there was no power in this world that could make him change his mind. No matter how much Ed would argue. No matter how much Ed would beg.  This Al was scary. “You are going to tell the General that you have feelings for him beyond friendship  _ today,  _ or I swear, I will call him tonight and do it myself.” Well, that escalated quickly... “And in case if you think I am being an evil little brother…” Al inhaled loudly and then continued with an unexpectedly soft voice, “I ask you to trust me. I promise you, whatever the outcome, you will not lose him.”

“Al…”

“I wouldn’t be doing this to you if I had a single doubt about this. I love you, brother. I hate seeing you suffering like that.”

Ed pulled his legs to his chest and dropped his forehead on his knees. How had this all gone so wrong in a span of just one day?.. If only he’d been smart enough last evening and hadn’t decided to drink himself numb of any feelings…

He trusted Al. Of course he did. But just this once Ed wasn’t sure in his brother’s judgement. He would do as Al asked, but even if this all went to shit, Ed knew he wouldn’t blame anyone but himself. 

It didn’t make it all easier, though.

“I don’t know how to do this, Al… I don’t think I can,” he spoke quietly.

“Of course you can,” Al answered gently and Ed wished he could be as confident in this as Al was. “Just be honest.”

Ed sighed and raised his head. “Yeah, alright.” He rubbed his face furiously, sucked in a breath and let it out slowly. “I’ll be home soon.”

“I’m sure you won’t. Take you time,” Al answered and Ed heard a smile in his voice.

How could Al be so sure? How could he not have any single doubt in this? How come this once they saw the same situation from such different perspectives?

“Bye, Al.”

“Good luck, brother.”

Ed put the receiver back on the phone and rose from the couch. For a few moments he felt his feet being glued to the floor and it took him all his will power to move from the spot and walk out of the room. 

He checked the kitchen, but Mustang wasn’t there, so he returned to the hall, eyed the stairs to the second floor, closed his eyes and called, 

“Oi, bastard!” 

He was glad his voice didn’t tremble, because all his insides were shaking, heart hammering in his chest and head swimming in the morbid agitation.

“Up here,” came the answer, and Ed forced himself toward the stairs. He was walking up slowly feeling the weight of what he was about to do on his shoulders. Mustang came out of the room in the end of the hall, when Ed was finally upstair. 

“I went to check if your shirt has dried,” Mustang said with a smile. “I’m afraid it might be a little longer… Edward, are you feeling well?”

Ed swallowed and let out a shaky breath. He felt vulnerable, naked. More, than he’d felt years ago, the child that just lost his mother, brother, and two of his limbs. More than he felt last night, standing actually naked in front of this man.

It was surreal. Never had he thought he would actually be in this situation. He knew he had been forced in it now, but despite all of his own reasoning he had no other choice now than to rely on his brother’s optimism.

“No, not really,” he answered honestly and he saw Mustang frowning in concern and taking a step toward him. “Listen, I…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is the most cliffhangest cliffhanger I've ever cliffhung and for that I'm not sorry at all
> 
> also I think I overdid with drama, and I initially planned this to be almost a crack-fic, what the fuck happened. I blame the lack of betaing
> 
> Feel free to tell me what you especially didn't like here ahaha It will hurt but will be useful as well. 
> 
> Nest chapter should be the final one (this is the third time I'm telling myself that...) and will most likely be from Roy's pov


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Halloween!
> 
> I don't even know what's going on with this fanfic, don't ask me xD  
> 5 chapters now ahah
> 
> I really planned to have 4 ~~(1 first, and then just 2, and then 3)~~ , but I am struggling with the resolution, so short update for the sake of a quick one. Warnings for a frustrating conversation here xD
> 
> There is a pov change around the middle, cause apparently I suck at writing Roy's inner monologue
> 
> unbetaed

Roy had gone upstairs to check Edward’s shirt as soon as the boy disappeared into the living room and now he was spacing out looking blankly before him, suddenly overcome by nervousness that he couldn’t find a solid reason for.

He couldn’t hear what Edward was talking about with his brother, and occasional loud cries that reached the second floor, made little sense to him ripped out of the context. The only thing he could guess was that there was something Edward didn’t want to talk about. It was reminding Roy last night too much, Edward’s drunk and not very coherent confession, if it could be called that.

A small part of Roy that still held some remnants of childish naivety and optimism — something probably no one was able to uproot in themselves completely — happily grasped onto those small pieces of information and began feeding Roy with hopes. It was dangerous. Such hopes were something he didn’t allow himself to have and think about, because he knew once he did, there would be no coming back for him.

He was used to be living his life for one and only goal, achieving which was not even his personal desire but a wish of being able to make other people’s lives better. He wasn’t used to wishing something for himself. He wasn’t sure he could deal with the disappointment of not getting it.

He wanted to become a Führer because he believed he would be able to help a lot of people from that position.

If he didn’t get it, he would simply accept this as him being unworthy.

He could let himself want to be with someone only if he knew he would be good for this person.

The thing was, he didn’t believe it was possible. He might be a good alchemist, good strategist and a leader. But romantic relationship were supposed to reach much deeper level. And on that level Roy didn’t like anything about himself.

Edward… Edward deserved the very best. And Roy wasn’t it.

That’s why despite the pull he felt toward the boy, despite the warmth that spread through him each time he saw Edward’s smile, despite the ache from not being able to _touch_ , to hold onto, he’d never allowed himself to actually _want_ , because if he did, he knew he would act and then would never forgive himself for something so selfish.

“Oi, bastard!” The scream interrupted his musings and he shook himself out of it to answer.

“Up here.”

Soon he heard uneven steps on the stairs, and he walked back to the hall at the time as Edward reached the second floor. He seemed to be somewhat lost in thoughts, brows furrowed and eyes fixed unseeingly before him.

“I went to check if your shirt has dried,” Roy explained with a smile, that was definitely lost on Edward. “I’m afraid it might be a little longer…” He trailed off when he noticed Edward’s fingers nervously tugging and pulling at the hem of his shirt. Edward worked his throat and there was a strange expression in his half lidded eyes that Roy had never seen there. “Edward, are you feeling well?”

Edward exhaled soundly, winced and looked up at Roy.

“No, not really. Listen, I…” Edward cut himself short and bit his lower lip moving his eyes away from Roy.

Roy had never seen him hesitate like that, or ever be indecisive. The boy was as straightforward as a freight train and as much forceful. Seeing him look so almost vulnerable was uncomfortable.

“Fuck…” Edward cursed quietly under his breath and locked his eyes with a spot on a wall. He looked genuinely upset and slightly frustrated. His fingers kept playing with the shirt, and Roy doubted he even paid any attention to what he was doing.

“I happened to overhear a part of your conversation with your brother…” Roy started. Edward’s eyes widened, jerking to look back at Roy, and he tensed like an armed spring. “I’m sure you will understand if I ask you what it is that thing that you wanted to tell me?”

Edward straightened up and the expression in his eyes shifted to something Roy was more accustomed to.

“That I _didn’t_ want to tell you, you mean,” Edward asked with a hint of a challenge in his voice, and Roy smiled, relieved that he managed if only but slightly to pull Edward from his melancholy.

“Yes, that one.”

“It’s the one I am not telling you,” Edward said with a force and folded his arms. “Because I don’t want to.” There was a beginning of a smirk on his lips and Roy let his own smile widen.

For the moment they were just looking at each other, but then Edward averted his eyes, rubbed his neck awkwardly, and, looking somewhere behind Roy’s shoulder, said,

“Thank you again for... you know.”

“It was no trouble.”

Edward shrugged and put his flesh arm in the pocket of his pants. “Sure it was,”

“Maybe a little bit,” Roy answered with a smirk.

Edward shifted on his feet, looked around, rubbed the back of his head and sighed.

“Ok, here it goes…” he mumbled to himself and Roy was only able to hear it because there were just a few steps between them. Edward sucked in a breath, straightened  his shoulders and looked straight in Roy’s eyes. “There is something Al thinks I must tell you, that _I_ think you are better off not knowing, but Al is being a jerk, also he is a hopeless optimist and he reads too many of those fucking books and they seem to be rotting his brain, and now he is on my neck until I tell you, and I’m doing this only so he doesn’t, ‘cause that’d be fucking awkward, even more awkward than it’s now and I just wanna spare us all this shit, you know. I’m gay and I happen to have a huge crush on you since I don’t even remember, but it doesn’t matter, and my crush also doesn’t matter so if you can just tell Al that I told you this and we can just forget about it and move on, that’d be great…”

Roy stopped listening after “have huge crush on you” reached his ears. Surely, it wasn’t the first he was hearing this in the last 24 hours. But the first one was said in a highly intoxicated state and Roy hadn’t really paid much mind to it — as far as he knew there was no telling if Edward had been even aware that he had been telling this to Roy and not someone else. Besides, crushes in general were something fleeting, not serious. Roy used to have couple of them back in the days and learnt that they usually were nothing more than just a play of hormones.

It was completely different from how he himself now felt toward Edward.

So he wasn’t too surprised to hear this. He hadn’t known that the boy preferred men, so that was a new piece of information to him, but to have a _crush_ on one’s superior officer wasn’t that unheard of.

It didn’t mean though, that it didn’t sting Roy any bit.

“I appreciate you telling me this, Edward,” Roy said after he collected his thoughts enough to form words. “I assure you though, that you don’t have to worry that it might damage our friendship, if that is what is bothering you. Trust me, I know this kind of feeling, and I assure you, if you just give it some time, it wouldn’t matter anymore.”

“What?..” Edward said breathlessly, an expression of uncertainty on his face, and Roy thought he hadn’t conveyed his thought clear enough.

“This kinds of things tend to pass without having too much impact,” he explained trying to ignore that part of himself that was screaming at him to just jump onto this opportunity. “It flatters me, of course, although I must admit I am surprised I deserved such kind of attention from you, but—“

“To pass?..” Edward interrupted him, eyes wide and arms slack at his sides. “I just told you… Oh God.” He covered his face in his left palm and slouched his shoulders. “This is a fucking torture,” he mumbled, dropped his hand and looked up at Roy. His face was slightly flushed and his eyes shone fiercely with a mix of anxiety, anger and determination. “Must I fucking spell this for you?! I’m in love with you, bastard. For years. It hasn’t fucking _passed_.”

Roy’s mind just shut itself down.

In love? Edward was _in love_ with him?.. He couldn’t really mean it, could he?

For a short moment Roy felt himself stuck in going through the semantics of the word “love”, but no matter how he turned and twisted this word, it changed nothing. Edward was here, in his house, after his drunk confession last night, after a long talk with his brother ― _Do you think I don’t want this to work?_ Roy remembered him saying a tad to loud ― repeating it to Roy, looking him straight in the eye, despite how evidently hard it was for him, and all Roy could do is gape at him in shock.

Roy just couldn’t quite process what he just heard. It just couldn’t be happening, right? Edward, he…

For someone so beautiful, so buoyant and full of life to fall in love in someone like Roy, it was incomprehensible. Surely, Roy had never really suffered through the lack of that kind of attention, but it solely was a product of his own carefully executed game. He knew what to say and when, he knew how to smile and knew the power of his voice, but it was a part of his job and nothing but a pretense, a mask. And Edward had always seen through it and always despised it. There was nothing in Roy that he could think of that might have caught Edward’s attention in such a way. He considered himself lucky already that in the last couple of years they were able to have more constructive conversations and less fights, but that Edward enjoyed talking alchemy with him didn’t mean he liked Roy in general. It just couldn’t be.

Edward hated his masks, and he had seen him without them, and there underneath, there was a man Roy was not so proud of.

He must have been silent for too long, and Edward’s face shifted briefly to something more vulnerable and then just closed. His cheeks were still flushed, but his eyes looked distant and almost cold.

“Ok, glad we did that,” Edward said in a dull voice, visibly swallowed and turned around. “I’ll be off now.”

“Wait, Edward, I—” Roy took a step toward him, and Edward stopped, turning his head to the side and making a vague gesture with his right hand.

“It’s ok, I told you. Forget it. Just had to tell you, you don’t have to—“

“No, wait, Edward. I truly don’t understand, how it can be,” Roy could hear a confusing in his own voice and he made an effort to make it sound more steady. He couldn’t really show Edward how much this confession unbalanced him. “If I may, you deserve much better than me.” Roy knew it sounded like rejection, but it was the truth at the same time.

That earned him some reaction, Edward turning to look at him, brows furrowed and eyes shooting daggers.

“I fucking _knew_ you’d be saying shit like that,” he said angrily. “Dammit, I don’t need this, ok? Just forget it, or if you so want to talk about it, at least be fucking honest.”

“I am honest, Edward.”

“Your honesty sounds like bullshit,” Edward said harshly. “Leave it for all those girls who are shooting hearts from their eyes each time you pass by.” He was winding himself up, using his embarrassment as a fuel for his anger. “Just say, _Oh, ok, sorry, but I’m not interested_ , and we’ll move on.”

As always with Edward all fired up Roy felt that he was catching the boy’s mood. That was always how their fights would stars, Roy would say something ― on purpose or not ― that Edward would consider stupid or offensive, Edward would explode, and all Roy would know would be his own blood beating loudly in his ears, almost morbid exhilaration and _shining_ in his anger Edward.

It was so easy to be caught in this. But now it would be the worst possible thing Roy could do.

“I’m afraid I can’t say that and will have to stick to my words,” he said as calm as he could manage at the moment.

**~**

It was going so awfully, horribly wrong. Not that Ed didn’t expect the bastard to give him some stupid excuses, but even so he’d hoped the man would spare him more embarrassment and would be, for fucking once, as tactful as possible. Not that Mustang wasn’t tactful every fucking second of every fucking day, but there was a diplomatic tactfulness and there was a friendly one.

How stupid of Ed it was to had been hoping for the latter.

“Fucking why?!” He screamed, slamming his left fist at the nearest wall, and something fell down on the floor at the other side from it.

Mustang didn’t even flinch. His face was if not one of his masks, but infuriatingly calm, and really, Ed wouldn’t mind if he would just reject him right away with such face, but right now they were just walking around it for whatever fucking reason and the man seemed to be even fully ignoring how much this was affecting Ed.

It was somewhat weird, really, to be almost hating the man at this moment for the shit he was giving Ed, for Ed’s own embarrassment. It was only partially fair, but even so, even in the moment of burning from the inside with anger, frustration and shame, he still felt this deep and warm feeling, that all these year had been somehow completely unaffected but all kinds of negative emotions Mustang would occasionally raise in him.

“Because I don’t want to lie to you, Edward,” Mustang answered. “Especially not when you were so honest with me.”

“God fucking dammit, I’m not asking you to lie to me!..” Ed just confessed his love to him, and now they were almost fighting. How more fucked up could this be? “You know what, nevermind. I knew this would be a disaster…” He finished much quieter and turned to the stairs once again. He wouldn’t tell Al what happened. No need to worry him even more, and it is definitely not worth it to make Al think he owed Mustang a _You hurt my brother, now I’m gonna make your life hell_ kind of talk. It wouldn’t be fair. It was not that Mustang was hurting Ed on purpose, no, he was just being his usual self, and leave it to Al to somehow be so sure that it might have gone differently.

“No, wait, Edward.”

Ed was half way down and he just waved his hand, dismissing anything that Mustang was planning to say.

“Forget it. Just… forget it, really. Please.” This should work, right? Ed wasn’t saying this word that often, so this should definitely work.

“I said I can’t tell you that I am not interested because that would be a lie and I don’t want to lie to you. But I truly believe you deserve be—“

“Wait a fucking second!” Ed interrupted him and turned on his heels. Mustang was standing in the middle of the stairs, hand on a railing, his face still unreadable, and it irritated Ed to no end. But it had to wait, because the man just said something that Ed wanted to make some sense of. “So, are you interested or not?” It was a simple question, right?

“That is really inconsequen—“

“Yes or no, bastard?!” Ed growled because it would really get them nowhere if Mustang kept beating around the bush. Dammit, how hard was it to just give him a simple honest rejection, so he could finally go home, to his brother, who would cook something delicious to treat his broken heart and would let Ed lie on his lap and would pet Ed’s hair and would pretend he couldn’t see Ed cr―

“Yes.”

“Huh?”

Ed was so lost planning how he would make Al compensate it for him for making Ed do this now, that he almost missed Mustang’s answer and now wasn’t sure what exactly it was the he just heard.

Ed looked up and was startled by the sudden change in Mustang’s face. Not calm anymore, it looked uncertain, questioning even, and weirdly so it didn’t even seem that Ed was the one he was questioning, but rather himself. He suddenly looked nervous, and even somewhat smaller than he usually seemed when he was almost radiating with confidence.

He licked his lips, and Ed’s mouth went instantly dry at the view. “I said, yes.” Those lips moved, forming the most impossible words, and Ed felt his jaw drop.

“What?..” he asked stupidly.

“You asked, if I am interested or not, and I am saying, yes, I am,” Mustang repeated, his face a bit calmer now, but at least he was not pulling his mask on again.

Ed bit his lip forcefully to keep himself from spitting another _Huh?_ and blinked in confusion.

What the fuck?

Yes, this would do.

“What the fuck, Mustang?” The phrase lacked the bite Ed intended to give it and all in all sounded almost pathetically weak.

“Should I repeat again?” Mustang asked and walked down the remaining steps. Ed wasn’t sure if he liked it. Sure, like that the man was not towering over him, but now he was standing a bit too close for Ed’s conflicted heart.

“No, I’m good,” Ed answered, although he definitely was not, and what the hell was even that? Had Ed perhaps phrased his question wrong?..

He could see Mustang was waiting for him to continue, but Ed really didn’t have anything else to say, just staring at the man and trying to figure out why nothing in his life could be simple.

Apparently realising that he was not going to get anything from Ed, Mustang opened his mouth to say something but closed it instantly. He looked more uncertain now, even vulnerable and Ed couldn’t really believe his eyes. It was probably the most sincere Ed had seen him in a while and it made him feel even more uneasy.

“You deserve better than me, Ed,” Mustang said quietly and Ed felt his eyes widen. It sounded different from before, not an excuse but something more solid, as if―

“Fuck, you really do believe this,” Ed said breathlessly staring at him in shock.

“Yes, I―”

“Holy shit, you really _are_ interested!” Ed took a step closer and grabbed Mustang’s arms.

“That’s what I said. But―”

“Fuck, no!” Ed let go of Mustang and raised both of his hands in frustration. “You are driving me fucking crazy.” _In more ways than one, in fact._ Ed stepped back, rubbed his temples and folded his arms on his chest. “Look, Mustang, since we are apparently talking about it anyway, and you are not making any sense…” Mustang opened his mouth to probably object, but Ed just ignored it and raised his voice. “Not making _any_ sense, like I said, and I am still a bit hangover, we are going to backtrack and you are going to make your points as simple as possible, and no that diplomatic subtlety of yours and no ‘buts’. Got it?”

Mustang looked a little bit taken aback, his eyes jerked to the side for a moment, returned to Ed, and with a small smile he said,

“I can try.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope you still like it, tell me if not -- I learn from mistakes (ask the people subscribed to "Here comes the sun" xD)
> 
> also tell me how you expect this to go in the next chap cause I have a few ideas and still can't decide
> 
> also, can we get it to 100 kudos pls? :D my best RoyEd fic has almost 600, I know this on is nowhere near as good as that one, but I need three digits, guys, pretty please xD


	5. Chapter 5

“I can try,” Roy said to Edward’s suggestion, and honestly he might use it himself, because he was already losing track of not just the things that had been said, but his own thoughts. 

He was having a seriously hard time accepting Edward’s confession and was slowly getting sick of thinking about it. It was like a sweet candy that didn’t melt no matter how long he’d roll it on his tongue, and he could neither swallow it whole, nor let himself spit it out. 

It was exquisite and frustrating. 

Pretty much like everything about Edward. 

The only bottom line of the current conversation that Roy could draw for himself was that Edward seemed quite serious about his feelings toward Roy and was having none of Roy’s attempts to explain him, that Roy was absolutely not worth it.

“So?” Edward was looking at him expectantly, arms folded on his chest. 

“What?”

“Backtracking.” Edward made a vague gesture as if encouraging Roy to go on, and Roy tilted an eyebrow.

“You want  _ me _ to do it?” he asked in surprise.

“ What, you expected  _ I  _ would do it?” Edward asked irritably as if Roy offered him to write the whole report about it, and Roy knew about Edward’s dislike for this activity.

Roy pinched the bridge of his nose and closed his eyes for a moment.

“Alright,” he gave up. “How far do you want me to backtrack?”

“To the begging, I dunno.” Edward shrugged and leaned with his hip at the staircase railing. The pose made the material of his leather pants stretch tightly around his opposite hip, and Roy hurriedly moved his eyes higher and the image of naked Edward  standing last night in front of him from his mind. It will come back no doubt, sooner than Roy would want it to. Not that Roy had never imagined Edward without clothes, it was that now he knew  _ exactly _ what to imagine and it was not doing healthy things with his heart, forcing it to beat too fast with that little blood that was left after the most of it had rushed to other places.

Roy swallowed, tugged at the hem of his t-shirt as subtlety as he could manage, making sure it was covering his crotch thankful that this conversation was not happening when he was wearing his military pants with the shirt tucked  _ under _ the belt. He fixed his eyes politely somewhere between Edward’s eyebrows ― his face was not really that safe to look at either for too long, Roy had learnt it the hard way, when he’d forgotten once what he had been telling Edward because the sun playing with the honey of Edward’s eyes had been too distracting. He had to come up with some rather dumb reason for him trailing off, and he had suspicious Edward hadn’t really believed him back then and probably had just concluded that Roy indeed had been dumber than he tried to present himself.

Alright, the beginning it was then.

“You came in here last night dead drunk―”

“That’s probably a bit too far, but okay,” Edward commented hesitantly, but Roy chose to ignore him.

“―demanding to use my bathroom,” he continued.

“Hm, don’t even remember that…”  

“Then, after almost breaking the bathroom door…” Edward raised his brows at that and then frowned deeply as if trying to find this in his memory. “...you declared that you have, and I quote, a huuuuge crush on me...” Roy’s breaths were coming short, and he wasn’t entirely holding his breath only because he knew he needed oxygen to continue this conversation. Edward didn’t show any reaction, except for a rather impassive  _ Aha _ , apparently too preoccupied with attempting to remember anything. “...and that I apparently don’t even have any idea how huge it is, but you also were not going to tell me that.”

“Ok,” Edward nodded absentmindedly, then gasped and his eyes grew wide. “Wait, what?!”

“Then you made me cuddle with you on the couch,” Roy went on as if not noticing Edward’s struggles, but all in all feeling that he was signing his own death sentence. If anything Roy had never been too good with self-preservation. “And was talking about something not being a phase.”

A fist ― the flesh one, thankfully ― hit Roy in the chest and he stepped back, dodging the metal one. Not that Edward was really trying to hurt him, but it was better to stay safe. 

“You told me I didn’t say anything weird last night!” Edward screamed and pushed him. Roy’s back hit the wall and with nowhere to dodge he had to catch Edward’s wrists when the boy tried to shove him again. Two wide golden eyes stared at Roy with a mix of emotions, where Roy was able to make sense of only familiar anger and much less familiar but something he had already seen there today ― uncertainty. 

“You didn’t really clarify what you considered weird, Edward,” Roy answered trying not to be too distracted by Edward’s heavy breathing, the warmth of which was slightly reaching his face with the short distance between them. It remotely smelled of pancakes. Roy had never even paid much attention before to how pancakes smelled. Honestly, Roy wasn’t really such a big fan of pancakes in the first place and had made them today solely for Edward, but he felt that he might actually change his mind about them.

It was almost pathetic how Roy was ready to unconditionally love everything about Edward.

“You bastard!” Edward was puffing out angry breaths, pulling at his hands, trying to set himself free from Roy’s grip, and Roy absently felt his lips tilting in a smile that had much less bite than he would want to give it at the moment.

“Should I go on? Then you puked your guts off and after that told me that you like those kinds of dreams when I was helping you out of your clothes so you could take a shower…” 

Edward’s sharp intake of breath complimented nicely with Roy’s shortage of one, and Roy’s chest filled with even more warmth at the view of Edward’s reddened cheeks. 

“Oh my god! I  _ hate you _ !” 

Edward was  _ radiant _ . Eyes shining and fierce with all that imaginary fire he undoubtedly was trying to set Roy on, face flushed, he was so bright, so alive, so beautiful and so  _ close _ , that it was getting to Roy’s head, making him almost drunk, making him forget everything but his own affection toward this young man, that was about to give Roy a heart attack.

Edward’s pulse was going wild under the fingers of Roy’s right hand, and he could see it pulsing at the side of his neck as well. He wanted to lean down and feel it beat against his lips.

“And today you told me that you were in love with me, and I still can’t wrap my mind around it,” Roy went on. Saying this outloud, admitting that Edward indeed had told him that, that Roy had  _ heard  _ him made his head swim. The blood was beating wildly in his ears and he couldn’t understand what he was doing, but he couldn’t stop.

“Let me go, you bastard!” Edward was greeting his teeth angrily, breathing heavily.

“I can’t believe how someone as brilliant and as amazing can even be interested in me…” Roy said, lowering his voice, and Edward tugged at his arms again, but not forceful enough to set himself free.

“God fucking dammit, you stupid bastard!..” he hissed.

“Because you deserve someone who would be able to give you  _ everything _ , sacrifice  _ anything  _ for your happiness…” Roy was smiling almost solemnly saying this, and he couldn’t resist from rubbing Edward’s wrist with his thumb. 

Edward licked his lips, breathed out shakily and husked,

“I don’t want  _ anyone  _ sacrificing shit for me!” 

“And as much as I want to be this man, as much as I want my world to be just  _ you _ , there is more in my life that I must focus on―”

“Fuck, Mustang! Let go of me!” 

“That’s why I think―”

“ _ Shut up, Roy, and get your fucking hands off me! _ ” Edward screamed at the top of his lungs, and Roy loosened the grip on his wrists more out of surprise rather than consciously. 

For a moment, he was painfully aware that he had never before seen Edward so infuriated. His face was read, he was breathing hard, his pupils blown so wide that only thin golden rings were visible and even his hair seemed to be in more disarray than before. 

For a moment, Roy thought that he went too far this time and he was prepared to receive a metal fist in his face and never to see Edward again.

For a moment, he was suddenly too conscious of everything he had said, and all the reasons why he shouldn’t have said that.

For a moment, he was  _ scared _ that he was going to lose something so precious to him, something that for a long time had been a big and important part of his life.

And in the next moment there was a hand grabbing the front of his shirt, and another at the back of his neck, fingers tugging painfully at his hair and nails digging in the skin. And then Edward was so close that his face, that was  _ burning _ with emotions, was the only thing Roy could see. And then there was a hot breath on Roy’s lips and he realised his mouth was slightly open in shock only when a hot tongue slipped in it and he suddenly was being very hungrily kissed by Edward, who rather successfully compensated his evident inexperience with eagerness. 

There was just a short second when Roy was absolutely  _ paralysed _ and even his thinking processes seemed to stop, and then he distantly registered that one of his arms wrapped around Edward’s waist, pulling him almost roughly against his chest, and another one made its way to the back of Edward’s neck, and Edward let out the most pornographic moan Roy had ever heard when Roy angled his head and answered the kiss passionately.

Edward kissed as if he knew he would never be sated, he was greedily licking in Roy’s mouth, and Roy’s head was  _ buzzing _ and he was gradually losing all the control over himself. Edward’s warmth, his smell, the feel of him in his arms, in his  _ mouth _ was intoxicating, and Roy’s fingers were shaking when he blindly tugged at Edward’s hairband freeing his hair,  _ dying _ to run his fingers through it. 

And for a few moments Roy’s world was the smell of pancakes and machine oil, that he thought might become his favorite ones, warm solid body against his own, the loud beating of his own blood in his ears, their heavy moist breathing and intoxicating feeling of Edward’s mouth against his.

And then Edward drew back sharply.

His arms were still on Roy, his eyes closed. He licked his reddened lips and Roy thought he could write a novel about these lips. 

Edward exhaled slowly and dropped his arms at his sides. He furrowed his brows and opened his eyes.

He looked at Roy and swallowed. He looked shaken and almost disturbed and Roy felt cold running down his spine, but then the expression on Edward’s face shifted and he peered at Roy stubbornly.

“Look, I’m not going to apologise for this,” he started and Roy barely opened his mouth to argue, but Edward's eyes narrowed dangerously, and he shut it. “As much as it all was a fucking trainwreck, I’m glad I’ve got it out of my system.”

“Edward―”

“Shut up and listen, you’ve said enough already.” Roy could only smile faintly at that and Edward went on. “It actually feels good to finally tell you all that, so I guess Al was right, don’t tell him I said that.”

“I would n―”

“And I get all of these  _ Oh, I’m not good enough for you _ shit of yours, trust me, that was why I didn’t want to tell you in the first place.” Edward averted his eyes when saying this, and Roy could imagine such admission was not easy for him.

“You could never be not good enough for me, Ed,” Roy said softly.

“Yeah, you say this now, sure,” Edward grumbled.

“I―”

“No, I don’t even want to talk about it, we’ve been at this the whole morning, my head starts fucking hurting already…”

“Edward―”

“Just tell me how it is, ok, no those fucking ‘buts’ of yours, no  _ you deserve better  _  shit, I fucking know better what I deserve!”

There was no escaping from him, was it?

“You are exceptional, Edward, you don’t even have any idea how―”

“And what the fuck was that about sacrificing something, huh, bastard?” Ed asked angrily, finally turning to look at Roy. “No one is sacrificing anything for no one anymore, not on my watch!”

“Shame, I’d love to―”

“Shut it! And do you really think so low of yourself, that you are not worth being with me or something or was it just a polite way to tell me to fuck off?”

Roy lifted his hand and cradled Edward’s cheek in his palm, watching how the pink of the flush was rising under Roy’s fingers.

“You are so beautiful, Edward.” 

Edward hissed and pushed Roy’s hand away.

“I’m trying to talk about you here and you are not even listening!”

“I love you.”

“I― What?..” Edward’s eyes widened in shock and his mouth fell open, and Roy attempted to put his hand on his cheek again. This time the hand wasn’t pushed away, and Roy gently stroked the heated skin with his thumb.

“So much, it is scaring me,” he said on a verge of whisper, feeling that his heart was about to burst through his ribcage. 

Edward closed his mouth, blinked and his golden eyes looked at Roy hopefully.

“Yes?..” Edward asked him hesitantly. 

“Yes,” Roy answered and Edward’s eyes lit up. Roy leaned closer and saw Edward smile.  “God, yes,” he repeated in the warm mouth against his lips and felt Edward inhale sharply.

This kiss was different. Still hungry and greedy, still passionate, but there was no desperation in it, no edge. It had a certain stability, like they both knew it wouldn’t be the last kiss they shared, and this knowledge was making Roy’s head swim.

Did he just finally tell Edward that he was in love with him? Roy quite honestly had planned to take this into his grave without ever revealing his feelings to the other. He would definitely need some time to process everything that had happened today…

Edward pressed himself closer, pulled back from the kiss, shoved his face in the crook or Roy’s neck and all the thoughts flew out of Roy’s head when Edward  _ bit _ .

And then he started  _ grinding. _

Roy gasped, swallowed down what was most definitely supposed to be a very embarrassing moan, and grabbed Edward by his shoulders.

“Edward… Ed, slow down.” 

Edward emerged from where he was sucking a hickey in the Roy’s neck, breathless and beautiful, and Roy thought what a silly man he was saying that. Clearly if someone like that wanted to taste Roy’s skin and jump his bones, mere mortal like Roy should just let him do it all in all expressing his endless gratitude.

“I’ve spent my most hormone crazed years having to live with the brother who  _ never slept,”  _ Edward said pointedly.  _ “ _ I might actually die now if I slow down.”

Roy swallowed, accepted his fate, thanked all the gods he didn’t believe in and said,

“Point taken.”

Edward smiled the most blinding smile, rose on his tiptoes and bit Roy’s lower lip before licking in his mouth.

Roy closed his eyes and gave in.

 

~

When Ed woke up everything was wrong. 

He could tell this even before opening his eyes. The main wrongness was his body, that was most definitely naked, and Ed had never slept naked. On top of it, it felt too relaxed and at the same time ached in several places that he hadn’t imagine were possible to ache, but somehow the sensation of it was almost soothing. 

He stretched lazily, his left arm bumping into a warm body beside him and it was the wrongness number two.

He stilled, the knuckles of his left hand pressing to a warm skin that was not his own, and Ed felt his lips pulling in a wide smile. 

He opened his eyes and turned his head. It was still dark outside and it meant it wasn’t even technically a morning, not in Ed’s book, and this was something that was also very wrong, because Ed would never willingly wake up at such an unholy hour.

Roy was still asleep by his side, breathing softly through the slightly parted mouth. His short hair was in a complete disarray, several strands falling over his eyes. Edward turned to be facing him and carefully reached with his flesh hand to touch Roy’s lips. 

He couldn’t believe he had been kissing them yesterday. He couldn’t believe he had actually done much more than that when the two of them had finally figured out the mess of their feelings to each other.

Al, that little shit, Ed owed him big time. 

Ed leaned forward and pressed a light kiss at Roy’s lips. Roy stirred, his breathing changed, and his arm wrapped around Ed’s waist pulling him closer.

“Morning, love.” His voice was hoarse from sleep, and it didn’t help with cooling off Edward’s morning erection, that he shamefully rubbed against Roy. No more sad lonely fucking into his own hand! Ed could cry out of happiness but he would never live it down.

“Thought you’d never woke up, lazy bastard,” Ed said half-heartedly, and Roy chuckled, his hand moving lower to squeeze Ed’s asscheek.   

“Isn’t it a bit too early for you to wake up, Ed?”

“Was too excited to sleep,” Ed said honestly and shifted to mouth at Roy’s collarbone. 

“Mm, I can tell,” Roy said with a smile in his voice and Ed moved to look at him. 

He pushed the hair out of Roy’s face with his automail hand carefully and looked in his half-lidded eyes.

“Hey.”

“Hey, gorgeous.”

They were lying still just smiling goofily at each other until the strain in Ed’s cheeks was too much and Ed rubbed one of them with his right hand, since the left one was trapped between their chests. Even after all those years the touch of his automail to his body felt wrong, uncomfortable. So when Roy hadn’t even flinched once from the touch of cool hard metal last night and treated the both of Ed’s automail as just any other parts of his body, it was a shock for Ed.

He was no fool, he knew he was extremely lucky. And to think he could have never had this if Al didn’t push him...

“Isn’t it great that at least one of us manned up enough yesterday?” he said smugly, voicing his thoughts.

“If I remember correctly it was you who was scared to tell me―” 

“I wasn’t scared!”

“Right. So Alphonse didn’t threaten to tell me if you wouldn’t?”

“Shut up, bastard, at least I had guts to do it! Eventually.”

“That you did,” Roy smiled. And then added seriously, “Thank you, Ed.”

“You’re welcome. Dammit, are you gonna look at me with these sappy eyes all the time now?!”

“That’s the plan.”

“Where have I gotten myself into?!..” he whined dramatically and Roy laughed, kissing the tip of his nose.

“Into something good, I hope.”

“Yeah, I guess it’s not that bad,” Ed ‘admitted’, pretending that the way Roy’s eyes were almost shining did nothing to his heart.

“Ed?..”

“What?”

“I love you.”

“Well, wasn’t that hard, was it?” Ed asked cheerfully ignoring his burning cheeks, and Roy leaned to press a soft kiss at Ed’s nose and a corner of his mouth.

“Do you mean literally? Because if so, I would say—“

“No, I don’t mean that fucking literally, you horny bastard!” Ed shoved him half-heartedly, and Roy laughed.

“Mmm, it wasn’t me, who  _ begged _ for the third round last night, Ed.”

Ed’s cheeks heated up even more but he refused to admit defeat.

“As if it wasn’t my  _ begging _ that did the trick for you during the  _ second  _ round.”

Roy licked his lips, pulled Ed closer by his ass letting him feel his own erection, and Ed gasped.

“You beg so sweetly, I am going to make it my personal goal to make you do it every time we fuck,” he said in a low voice that made Ed’s vision blur, and he moaned quietly.

“Do I need to beg you now, or can you get to the doing already?” he asked breathlessly, and Roy chuckled and then leaned down and sucked on the skin on Ed’s neck and Ed shut his eyes in bliss.

Everything was wrong this morning. But it was the wrong Ed wanted to wake up to as many times as he could.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you liked this silly fic =) 
> 
> I'm not too happy with the ending but at least this fic has it ahaha *coughs awkwardly*
> 
> Thank you all for kudos and comments, I really appreciate it all =)

**Author's Note:**

> Please, drop me a line in the comments to let me know what you think, it will make my day! ^_^
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